I have been avoiding writing my 'blog. I've done a cursory update on my pet scan results and also I posted a 25th wedding anniversary spot. But I have purposely avoided writing what's been going on in my (and my family's) world.
I've been avoiding it because it's just too ---damned painful. But I feel like I should document what's going on in my world, because it gets right to the core of me.
My daughter Tessa is 19 and autistic. We have decided to place her in the care of an agency. She will not live with us any more starting tomorrow. It's gotten to the point where we are really not able to do any more to help her in our home setting. We're not able to provide the structure and regimentation that she needs. This decision was, as you might imagine, one of the most difficult decisions in my and Julie's life. She will always be our sweet little "baby girl" and we love her dearly.
And, speaking for myself here, I can't help but feel guilt and failure. I can reason through the whole issue and logically come to the conclusion that there really wasn't any more I could do. But my instincts as a parent suggest otherwise.
Tessa is a sweet, lovable little girl who will remain forever young. She needs more than we are able to provide for her at this point. Our hope is that Tessa grows as a person and is able to do more things for herself and interact better with others. We have visited the house she's moving to and feel very good about the staff and the setting. The staff has told us that the other girls that Tessa will live with came to them with a lot of the same issues that Tessa has. They are confident that Tessa will find her niche and be a happy and fulfilled young lady.
Parents want their kids to be comfortable, safe and happy. They also want them live up to the best of their capabilities, whether their child is supremely gifted or profoundly challenged. I would give my own life, in an instant, for Tessa to be able to be like most other 19 year old girls. But it's just not in the cards. So the next best thing I can do is to help her live her life to the fullest. And I do want her to have her own life even though it's killing me (and us) to let her go.
Everyone that we've told has been very supportive, and we are very grateful. THANK YOU! We have had terrific support from family and friends.
It's been a gut churning experience, but we've gotten to the point where we've acknowledged the inevitable: we just need to get her moved in so we and she can move on to the next stage.
We are very lucky that her new house is just 2 miles from ours. After she gets settled in, we can visit any time.
It will be very easy to have her home for weekends and holidays. Those are all things we're looking forward to.
But the big ugly part of moving her out of this house and into her new house looms over us. Tomorrow when she returns from school we will take her there to start her new life. We are all dreading it.
Kids grow up and move away to college, or move out after finding a job or after getting married. In some ways this is similar. But in other ways it's different. Tessa can't tell us if something's wrong. We can't call and talk to her on the phone.
I was just thinking how the four of us have been a team for 19 years, since Tessa was born, and now the team is breaking up. It just feels wrong and I can't help but feel sad about it.
Hopefully in a few months we'll feel better about this.
But right now it just hurts like hell.
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