update 6-29-11

update 6-29-11

Here's what's been going on with me recently:

06/23/11

I had an appointment with my oncologist. All went well. I lost 4 pounds! I will see the doctor again in 3 months. It was one year ago today that I got the Non Hodgkins Lymphoma diagnosis.

That 12 months went by fast! A lot has changed in my life, that's for sure.

***

06/25/11

Austin went for another tandem ride with me, exact same route as last week. The only thing that was different was that he bitched almost the whole time. Not sure biking is his sport. I think PS3 is really his sport. I'm still working on him.

We went to a baseball game that my great nephew Cade played in for the city championship for his classification. They won which was nice for him and his buddies.

I've decided that I will refer to my great nieces and great nephews as my "greatchildren". They're not grandchildren but they are my great nieces and great nephews, so I'm going with "greatchildren". They call me "gunka" as it is a variation on "uncle", but I guess now they'll have to call me "grunka" as a variation on "great uncle".

God, I'm an idiot!

***

06/26/11

We spent all day Sunday prepping for my upcoming family reunion, which will be at our house. Washing screens and windows, yardwork, blah blah blah.

After all that misery was over, I jumped on my bike and took a nice ride, about 23 miles.



I think I had an epiphany: I do better WITHOUT a speedometer. I felt better, felt like I rode FASTER, and I definitely climbed hills WAY BETTER than I have all year! No lie, I really did climb them like a madman.

Note the lonely speedo socket on the left:



I climbed HEART ATTACK HILL 3x, although 1 of them was from the back side, so I'll only count 2. That was by far my high water mark for the year.

Here's a shot looking down HEART ATTACK HILL:



I think the speedometer was allowing me to concentrate too much on speed or speed variation (like, sheesh, I was just going 20MPH, now the wind's so bad it's got me knocked down to 12MPH, THIS IS KILLING ME!). Given a choice, I think I would just like to see HOW FAR I've gone instead of how fast. I think I psych myself out. The only downside to not having an onboard speedometer is that I have to calculate my mileage later, but that's no biggie.

After my next ride I should be right around 600 miles for the year.

***

In reading back over m'blog, I have to say that it pretty much sucks. The only time that it's potentially interesting is when I'm passionate about something or I'm learning about something, or there's something new and significant going on, e.g. cancer treatment, Tessa moving out, etc. I didn't mean for it to turn into a "then I ate dinner. I watched TV. I think American Idol is GREAT, don't you?... blah blah blah" type of thing, I really didn't.

At some point it kind of turned into a journal or diary. The only reason I started the thing was to record my thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. in dealing with cancer.

Although the cancer treatment is ongoing, obviously there are long, long, long lulls in between. Not sure what to do with this, I'll be honest with you. Still trying to figure it out.

Sometimes I have a story idea or something happens that plays right into the 'blog (e.g., potential get together with long lost friends from previous employer). But sometimes it definitely IS "I rode my bike. We grilled burgers..." kind of thing, which is NOT interesting at all.

The other thing about the 'blog is something I hadn't thought about.

Late winter / early spring I was SO friggin' bored that I found myself scouring the ON DEMAND menu on the TV. I was watching "Shalom TV" which is centered on Jewish culture (nothing against Jewish people, but since I'm NOT Jewish, what was I doing watching that? My motivation was boredom mixed with a little curiosity, to be honest). Anyway, to cut to the chase, there was an author talking about her books, I think her name was Dani Shapiro. She said that she discovered WHAT she thought about something and WHY she thought WHAT she thought about a particular subject by -writing- about it. In the process of putting the words down on paper or on the computer, she works through all the whys and wherefores, etc.

As I watched her, I realized that the same is true for me.

I may not know why I have a certain belief or feeling, but if I sit down and pour all my thoughts into a keyboard, by the time I finish, I have a pretty thorough understanding of my feelings about a particular subject. What might start out in my head as a formless, nebulous kind of thing will have structure, make sense, follow a logical progression, etc., if I sit down and reason through it and put pen to paper or fingers to keys.

I always feel like whoever reads what I write may not agree with what I think, but if they read what I wrote and really think about it, they should at least have an UNDERSTANDING of my perspective.

And if I can get that person to that place, I've accomplished what I set out to do as a writer. The bonus is that for me, many times, I have a better understanding of myself. Does that make any friggin' sense at all?

The other bonus is that pouring the words into the keyboard can be cathartic. An example would be some of the stuff I wrote about Tessa moving out. After I posted those entries, I felt that I'd been able to get at least some of the grief and frustration off my chest. It didn't change the circumstances but it DID provide a cleansing of sorts, and a release of some pent-up frustration. It was also, hopefully, an accurate expression of my sense of failure and provided an explanation of the dark clouds hanging over me.

In some ways I wonder if writing my 'blog might be like having a friend who's a good listener, when you really need a good listener. I'm not sure who IS listening out there (I do get some feedback from time to time and I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!) but at least I feel like I'm broadcasting my thoughts and emotions out into the universe for whomever may be paying attention. And for some reason, even if it defies logic, it's therapeutic.

***

I have a relative to whom I spoke the other day. I'll paraphrase what he said to me: 'My dad was estranged from me and my family when I was growing up. I didn't have a father figure around. Experiences I had with YOUR DAD taught me what it meant to be a stand-up guy. A lot of how I turned out was because of YOUR DAD.'

Wow, did that ever make me think! My dad has been dead for 8 years. The person who told me that whole story is someone I think very highly of. Nice to know that my dad "passed it forward" so to speak, and now the circle goes on.

Sometimes we don't even realize that the little, seemingly insignificant things that go on in everyday life wind up being -lessons- that young, impressionable, and sometimes VERY emotionally NEEDY people (especially children) pick up on.

I WAS THERE when the entire episode in question played out, and it never occurred to me what was happening until I heard those words from that person the other day.

Someone is ALWAYS paying attention, even if it doesn't come to light until 30 years later. And by that time, we may be long gone.

***

Getting back to my 'blog, I realize a lot of it, especially recently, is BORING! Someone commented on the sheer -number- of pictures of myself. Didn't mean to do that, either, but it seemed like at the time they documented what I was talking about and I always think that the pictures add to the story and help the reader get a more accurate idea of what went on. I'll try to have LESS pictures of me (believe me, I HATE pictures of myself, I only put them in there because I thought they were helpful).

And, if I do include a picture of me, I'll try not to include my face, or at least not ALL of it...



Again,

God, I'm an idiot!

And I'll try to make this at least INTERESTING. Promise.

Thanks for coming along with.

Steve

06-20-2011

06-20-2011 (not posted until 6/22)

Okay, this 'blog is maybe more of a trave'blog. Pretty boring stuff.

You've been warned, here we go.

Tandemonium:

Saturday Austin asked me if I was going for a bike ride. As usual, I said that I was and asked him if he wanted to go. And as is also usual, he declined. Then all of the sudden, he said "OK, I'll go".

He asked if I was going to Silver Springs. I said yes, figuring that would for sure make him back out. He didn't flinch. I guess he's heard me talk about riding for so long that he figured he might just try it to see if he liked it.

I prepped the tandem, strapping in the seat bag for my cell phone, borrowing a bottle cage off another bike. I pumped the tires up to their 100 PSI rating. Then, so we could get up the hills, I removed the standard, useless resin pedals and replaced them with the toe strap type. That, for sure will be the deal breaker, I thought.

Time to go! He put on his biking gloves and some shades, and strapped on the helmet. This dude is all about looking the part. We added a water bottle for him and one for me.

He didn't even squawk about the straps on the pedals (!), just patiently got his feet secured. And we took off.



For the first three miles or so, I could tell that although his feet were securely strapped in, he wasn't pushing. I cajoled him a bit and then he helped with pedaling. Some. We got about 4 miles out and I told him we had some big hills. We could tackle them or we could turn around and go home.

He voted to go home.

We stopped for a water break at the point where we'd turn around. I took some "thumbs up" pictures with the cell phone and sent them to Julie. Austin wanted to talk to her. We called her and he was talking all this trash about riding clear out here and I'm sweating, (dammit), I'm sweating! After he hung up, I dangled the challenge, "OK buddy, we can go on to Silver Springs and climb a couple tough hills or we can turn around and go home..." He shocked me with "Let's go to Silver Springs!".



On we went. When we got to the first hill, I encouraged him to really push on the pedals and he dug in. We crested the hill easily.

We took a nature break at the park and then headed down the hill. He loved the speed. He kept telling me that he was sweating and that I was to be sure to tell Mom. And when we got home we were going to jump in the pool, he informed me.

Then came The Nutcracker. I told him his Aunt Dutchie (on a ride in 2008, picture below) didn't make it up this hill, she had to walk up it (loser!) and we didn't want to endure that shame, for we are manly men.



We started climbing, doing real well, still climbing... then gradually started going slower and slower and slower. Just as we were about at a standstill, I felt his helmet in my back and he let out a huge roar as he helped power us up the hill.

Nice to have your strong 24 year old son pitch in like that!

--Interesting technique, the stoker buries his head in the captain's back... but whatever, it worked.--

We made it to the top and he was really excited about meeting the challenge.

That lasted for a while. Then all I heard was "my butt hurt" and "my leg hurt" "my feet hurt", followed by the most persistent complaint "my hand hurt".

I'll add some bar ends so his hands won't hurt, just in case the mood strikes him again.

I asked him if he wanted to go again, he said "some time" which means a few days or a week later.

All in, it was about 12 miles. I was shocked that he committed, shocked that he followed though, and really pleasantly surprised that the kid (young man) reached down and legged it out.

In the words of Foghorn Leghorn,"that's m'boy!".

We had a great time bonding on that ride. My Father's Day present from Austin had arrived a day early.

Sunday Began Quietly Enough:

My plan for Father's Day weekend had been to pick the best day and rip off a BIG ride. I had planned on at least a Century (100 miles). Then I looked at the weather report. Rain all day Saturday, rain overnight into Sunday, then again all day Sunday. So I had figured I'd just try to work in a couple of decent rides between the raindrops IF I COULD.

That was stupid because the weather report was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Austin and I got our ride in on Saturday afternoon.

We got no rain all day Saturday, no rain overnight Sunday, and the Sunday morning rain never materialized, either.

Sunday I finally headed out late morning, about 10:30 and I figured I'd just play it by ear.

I tried out a new route, out to Shabbona Lake State Park. Not a bad ride, pretty flat mostly, but the roads were really not busy at all (HUGE BONUS!).

Some very cool cemeteries along the way, too.






I was about 19 miles out when I hit a bump and saw a black and red sphere go rocketing in front of my bike and into the weeds. What the... wait a minute, that was my black and red speedometer which was dislodged from its mount by the bump and launched by the rapidly spinning tire... and is gone.

The weeds at the side of the road were about 4 feet tall, full of thistles and god knows what else. After about five minutes of searching I chalked it up to experience. New speedometer is on the shopping list.

I pedaled into and around the park, checking out the lake and the boats, looking to see if my neighbor Tom, who fishes there quite often, was there. No sign of him.

Then I rode into town to hit the local Casey's quick stop for some refreshment.

Over to the elementary school to sit underneath a tree, stuff my face and gulp down some Propel.

Their memorial to the town's namesake, a Mr. Shabbona, was a nice touch.

's up, Chief?




I found a port-o-let for the pause that really refreshes and it was back on the road again.

Storm Clouds Gather:

On the way back, I made a route choice that almost cost me dearly. I shot south past my outbound east-west route so I could take a little bit longer route home. But then I started thinking that the rain clouds were closing in and so I cut off to go east again sooner than I had planned. This would take me down a road I was very familiar with, but one I had never actually biked on before. Recipe for "disastah", as it turned out.

I knew the choice would require me to ride on an extremely busy highway (US34) but only very briefly. I figured I could time my entrance onto the highway to coincide with a window of traffic inactivity so that I would have zero exposure to high speed traffic.

That was what I was worried about, but the traffic on that highway would turn out to be the least of my worries.

I never expected to encounter the DEMON DOG FROM HELL!

At this point I was about 40 miles into my ride but pretty tired as the day was extremely muggy. As I was riding down the road, passing a farmhouse, I noticed TWO BIG dogs on my left, running in their yard. I picked up speed as a precaution and they started barking and gave chase.

I gave my usual yell: "GET YOUR DOG!", (note that this yell varies with the perceived threat - especially ominous situations elicit the addition of colorful and multi-syllabic adjectives). My yell drew the standard response from any humans who might have been at the residence: dead silence.

Followed immediately by intense and prolonged inactivity.

But thanks for all your help.

The Mongrel Horde Attacks:

I'd never encountered a dog that was able to keep up with me on my bike, for very long anyway. I have a pretty fast road bike, and although I'm old, I can spin it pretty good, especially when the adrenaline's pumping. All the dogs eventually wear out, especially in muggy weather like we had Sunday.

One of the dogs barked viciously but kept a safe distance, the proverbial all bark and no bite.

My kind of dog, he was!

The other dog was definitely In It To Win It, barking like a vicious killer and running like a g-damned greyhound. I was stunned to discover that I couldn't lose him. WTF!? This does not compute!

He'd lunge at one of my feet, snapping away, I'd swerve across the road the other way, he'd come around behind and lunge at the other foot and I'd swerve in the opposite direction. Repeat ad nauseum.

Pedaling for ALL I was worth, the thought occurred to me that I would A) go over the handlebars and snap my friggin' neck, B) go over the handlebars and die of head trauma, or C) have a heart attack, crash, and feel my life ebb away face down on the sticky asphalt of County Line road, while the beast merrily shredded the flesh of my lifeless body.

This was followed by a flashback to those cool cemeteries visited earlier on my trip.



Then the DEMON DOG FROM HELL got in front of me and the mother effer ! cut me the eff off ! I shit you not. I had to slam on the binders and then, starting in the wrong-est, tall-est, tall-est gear, light the afterburners best I could to get away again. He did that 3 or 4 times.

Was this a tactic or was it just dumb luck on his part? Sidebar - I do not think the dog was dumb. The jury is still out on the dog's owner, however.

Although the whole thing probably only lasted a couple minutes, it seemed like f-o-r-e-v-e-r. And, more than once, he made me swerve all the way across the road to my left. If a vehicle had come barreling down behind me and pulled out to go around just as I made my crazy swerve, I would have been a red smear on the blacktop.

Happy Friggin' Father's Day!

And, what DO you do? Slow down and crawl along so he calms down? If you do that, he gets a good shot at taking you down. Then what?

Tried to run his legs off or asphyxiate him was what I did. Problem is that the speeds I was hitting, with an 85-100 pound dog as a speed bump, made it very hazardous.

But at the fight or flight decision point, it didn't make much sense to me to hop off the bike and take a swing at the pooch.

Could try to smash his head with the down stroke of my pedal... that could flip me also.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against dogs. Except when they attack me.

Seemed like the only thing to do was spin the pedals as fast as possible and try to wear him out.

This beast should be in the Iditarod.

Had I had a baseball bat, I would have taken my best swing, I promise you. That was BY FAR the worst chased_by_a_dog episode I've ever had. Don't know what would have happened had I crashed, but I was already reviewing in my mind everything I would do to beat that mutt to a bloody pulp before he could chew me up. I won't apologize for the thought. It was the most raw, visceral encounter I've had with an animal in... forever, I guess. And I'm sure you really had to be there to get the full effect. 'twas terrifying, for sure.

Not embarrassed to say it scared the living shit out of me.

After an eternity, he either wore down or grew tired of the chase, I can't say which for sure. But I left him in the dust.

In retrospect, the only thing that saved me was that I kept pedaling as fast as I could. He kept trying to bite a foot and they were just moving too fast. Had he gone for an upper leg or my rear end, the ending might have been much different.

Here, I'll go on my soapbox: If you have a dog and it likes to chase things, you are morally (and legally, for that matter) obligated to see that it doesn't leave your yard. I have no sympathy for the "oh, he wouldn't BITE you" or "he's never chased a bike BEFORE" attitude. The dog is just being a dog, following its natural instincts. If the dog is a chaser, the owner is responsible to see that the dog is secured, especially in the case of a vicious cur.

No excuses.

Imagine a kid on single speed BMX bike taking a leisurely ride out in the country and going past that house.... Somebody call 911!

Reviewing my shopping list... Speedometer... Pepper Spray...

The Storm Passes:

Other than that, the last leg of my ride was uneventful.

I successfully navigated the US34 section with NO TRAFFIC behind me and pedaled the final 10 miles or so without incident.

I pondered what would have happened had Austin and I had that kind of an encounter with a dog on our ride the day previous.

You would not have wanted to be the dog OR his owner, I promise you, if a beast like that got a hold of m'boy.

I wheeled into the garage and hung up my C'dale. I went out back and jumped into the pool, still reeling from the encounter.

52 miles was all I managed to ride, which was disappointing. I had to use google maps to calculate the mileage since I lost my speedo (-meter, not swimming suit) out there.

Hope you had a great weekend.

And never underestimate a strange dog.

You hear me?

06-16-11 PM

06-16-11 PM

Chemo went well today. I finished up about 2:40. After the fatigue left me, I decided I had to do something so I grabbed the bike and took off.

Left home at about 6:30 and since I got a late start, it was mostly a sprint except when I was taking pictures. I felt pretty good, just some occasional stomach cramps.

Finished with 16 miles. Still have the cramps a little bit but -nothing else- at least so far.

You really should try cycling. It's a lot of fun!

So the sun has gone down on this round of chemo. I will meet with the doctor next week and see what he has to say.

***

When I walked into the doctor's office, I said to the receptionist, in my best nasally, twangy voice "It's me, it's me, it's Ernest T!"

She shocked me (didn't think she was old enough) by coming back with "I love you Miss Krump" and "Now Earnest T., you put down that rock".

We were channeling Ernest T. Bass from the Andy Griffith Show back in the day.

Do you remember?


You have not heard the last... of Ernest T. Bass!

Thanks for swinging by!

In the chair. Sox v twinkies on the teevee. Benadryl already making me sleepy. Nap imminent.

06-16-2011

06-16-2011

My final chemo for this round is today, starts at 11:45. Then I'll be done for six months! Woo-hoo!

06-13-2011

06-13-2011

Friday, the day after Chemo - I was a little bit tired, that was all, didn't even have a headache this time, so that's going very well.

***

Saturday - I went to my nephew C-Dubs's baseball game in the morning. I ran into a guy I used to work with whose grandson was playing for the other team. I actually worked at a couple different places with him starting 1978-1986 and then again about 1988 for a while. Hadn't seen him for a long time. We compared near death experiences: He had a heart attack several years ago and is living on borrowed time, he says. I told him about my escapades. We both agreed that we feel lucky every morning we wake up and that every day is a good day.

What was it, a friggin' grandpa convention?

Hell to be old.

After we got done with our stories, I told him I was going to a benefit for a guy who died at 31 and left behind 4 kids. We both considered our good fortune, all things considered.

***

Saturday afternoon Julie and I headed to the Tommy Benefit. We worked the cotton candy machine.

Quite an experience and quite a turnout, for a terrific cause. Over 500 people showed up and I think they netted a nice amount for the family, God bless them.

We ran into a dear old friend, Suzy, who was an administrator where Tessa goes to school, until the beginning of this school year. It was great to see her with her husband and granddaughter. We remarked on how much she was missed. She said she hated to go, but "at some point you just have to stop". I know she had been there for quite a few years and like a lot of other things in life, sometimes you have to turn the page. Time for Suzy to enjoy her retirement. It was great to see her.

At the benefit our friend "Switzerland" told me I sound like Jon Lovitz in "The Brave Little Toaster".

Someone else confirmed that, although I can't be sure that this person wasn't just trying to put the moves on Switzerland.

Never got that before... Years ago, when I still had some hair left, people said I had Steve Martin written all over me.

Wellllll, excuuuuuuuuse me!

Back to reality now.

After we left the party, we went with some family and friends to a local greasy spoon for a late night snack. I remarked how a lot of used to stop in there after being out and about on the weekends to grab a bite to eat, in the wee hours, and now, look, here we are again!

Only THEN it was usually about 3:30 AM, now it's 10:30 PM, and let's get home so we can hit the sack!

***

Sunday morning I drove over to see my mom. My sister Mary had sent her a device to help her get her seat belt on, so I installed that for her and visited for a while. She's doing pretty well.



Sunday afternoon I mowed the yard and then I hopped on the bike. It was a beautiful day and I had a nice ride. I'm within striking distance of 500 miles for the year and seem to be picking up momentum, it all hinges on the weather.

Rode past the Testicle Festival. No kidding, link HERE.

Saw some vehicles I recognized, but I didn't stop.



Almost immediately after I passed there, I got buzzed by a motorcycle. Passed about 12" away at about 45 MPH. Not appreciated and not expected from a fellow two wheeler. About 3 miles later, same thing, this time at about 18-24" away at about 60 MPH. Not effing funny. Took a lot of balls. Which probably explains where they most likely came from. Yes, The Testicle Festival.

But seriously, eff them. No excuse for being an asshole, especially when you had plenty of room to pass safely. And who would expect it from a motorcyclist, all of whom you'd think would have at least a little bit of sympathy for a (vulnerable) minority?

As with everything else, a couple idiots besmirch the reputation of all the others.

***

After I got home, we headed out to see Tessa. She started her new medicine for OCD and seems to be tolerating it well. The problem was that she wanted to go home with us. She'll come home next Friday. Now we're in a quandary as to whether it's a good idea to visit her. We really don't want to go 2 weeks between seeing her but if it makes her miserable to see us if she can't go home (which it did last night), is it worth it?

Never ends, does it?

My final maintenance chemo for this round is due this Thursday.

Hope you had a nice weekend.

Chemo went well. Have slept a LOT. Jules brought me bkfst (for dinner) in bed er on couch rather. Skewed taste othwise all ok.

06-08-2011

06-08-2011

Although I left for work this morning at 4:00, and was beat when I got home, I had a nice ride again tonight, 22 miles. Here's my secret - the power nap. When I got home from work this afternoon I went face down on the bed for about 20 minutes and when I woke up I was totally recharged. I'm making a mental note to remember the value of the power nap! What with me being old and all.

I wouldn't have even rode tonight but it looks like we have 3 days of rain on tap after a couple of days in the mid nineties. Uggh!

***

Still waiting for the pool to clear up. Seems like it's getting better but it's like watching paint dry, taking forever. The pool is really being used a lot with all the hot weather we've been having.

***

!!! WARNING !!! Boring ramblings of a crazy old man to follow. Suggest you turn back now !!!

I used to work for a large telecom company. I loved my job. I had a lot of good friends there, many I knew better than I knew some members of my own family. I was respected in my position. I was well compensated.

In 1999 I decided that I was doing well enough that I could move my family to a nicer home. We sold our house and moved into a nice house in a new subdivision.

Then everything changed. I never saw it coming.

In the summer of 2001 the company was looking to reduce staff, so they offered a buyout to anyone with 10 years service. The deal was that they would allow you to take an early, and enhanced pension. They would let you take your health insurance with you. These two little details would help you tremendously in dealing with the separation, and the buzz was that there would be plenty of separation to go around for the foreseeable future. The deal was only for people with 10 years service. I had 19 & 1/2. But I was not eligible because there was an additional stipulation regarding age: I was too young by 18 months.

So, I watched people with roughly half the service I had walk out with the sweet deal. Nothing I could do about it.

6 months later they needed to shed more staff. For these unfortunate souls, there would be no sweetheart deal. They came to us and basically said "get your shit and get out". It was not pretty and it was not done professionally.

The manager who laid me off said there were a few other jobs available within the company. There was an ongoing process to identify and place laid off personnel directly into those jobs. She promised me she'd do anything she could to help me land one of those positions before my layoff became official, in 30 days. I was to clean out my desk, turn in my badge and go home to start looking for my next job, either back at The Company or somewhere else.

Over the next 30 days I reached out to this manager many, many times trying to land one of the available jobs. I left voicemails and sent emails. I asked her secretary to have her call me. I was desperately trying to hang on. I could not get her to respond, no matter what I tried.

Finally, one day my phone rang. It was the manager's secretary - "Brenda needs to see you. And bring your laptop!"

Brenda had finally called me - for my exit interview.

At the interview, just before Christmas, Brenda went through all the formalities to separate me from The Company. She said nothing about the jobs she had promised were available. It was obvious she would not help me.

Her promise was a lie and Brenda was a Liar.

When she was done, she asked if I wanted to say anything. I said "When you laid me off, you said you'd do ANYTHING you could do to help place me in a job here. Brenda, I can't even count how many times I called you. Or how many times I emailed you. But you couldn't respond to an email or call me, or lift one finger to help me. The only time I got a call was when you needed me to come in for the exit interview, to get your paperwork all tidied up. I've worked here for 20 years. I understand that no one is promised a job for life. But what I really didn't expect was to be treated like garbage. I deserved better than that, I really did. But how nice for you that you can get all this unpleasant business tidied up so you can go home to your family and have a nice Christmas!"

Brenda looked at me and said "that's fair".

For years, when I drove past the building I couldn't bring myself to look at it. And when I looked in the mirror I saw a bitter, bitter man. I have never recovered from that loss, emotionally or financially. But one day I had a talk with myself. I told myself that I was becoming the person that no one cared to be around. The kind that just bitches about their misfortune and is consumed with anger and resentment. Other people have had worse things happen to them. I decided to just go on with my life.

The company left me 10 years ago this December.

I often think about my friends there. I have had sporadic contact with a few over the years, but recently that had dwindled down to basically no contact with anyone. A couple weeks ago one of my friends from there (who also was let go) found me on a business networking website that I had signed up for years ago.

Ruben called me today and we talked about old times. We got on the subject of our old pals at the old job. We kicked around the idea of having a reunion of sorts. I told Ruben something that I have only recently and begrudgingly admitted to myself: I don't know if I could bring myself to reconnect with my old buddies who still work there.

I have recently poked around on the networking website to see who's doing what. There are some people I worked with at the old place who still work there. When I think that they are still there and I've had basically 4 significant jobs since then plus some odd jobs here and there, it makes me sick. Don't get me wrong, I like my present job and don't see myself leaving there. But I had to endure more than one stint on unemployment and had to take some jobs after I got whacked that... well, you get the idea.

If I were still there... I'd have 30 years service this December. I'd probably have 6 weeks vacation... and on and on. Sickening to consider.

I understand that the people who are still there were not the architects of the bloodbaths over there, but I still can't help but feel that meeting up with them again might be quite uncomfortable. I would hate to feel that they pitied me. And I guess I wonder if they might feel superior, for obviously they were kept and I was rejected. Those notions are probably crazy. But I can't shake them.

And I ask myself how I'd feel if I were one of the fortunate ones who are still there. I'll never know.

Even though losing that job happened almost 10 years ago, I'm sure you can tell by reading this that the scab is still fresh. Kinda surprised myself while writing this just how fresh it is. It will never heal completely.

***

When The Bitch said "that's fair", I understood why sometimes you turn on the news and see where someone walked into their workplace and did something ugly.

Some of the people who do those things are mentally ill. But some of them are people who were abused and lied to and gave in to their feelings of desperation, betrayal and anger.

I would never do such a thing and I'm not saying it's right. Not saying I condone it. Just saying I understand.

***

Sheesh, I do go on.

Chemo tomorrow.

06-07-2011

06-07-2011

This morning we met with Tessa's doctor. We are going to start, slowly, with some OCD medicine at the end of this week. The doctor acknowledged that the meds she was prescribed can make a person drowsy (the histamine effect, I think he said) but that after a short time, that goes away.

At any rate, we're going to take baby steps and see if we can minimize some of the OCD behavior she experiences.


***

One of our customers at work has a son who's autistic. I talked to him today for the first time in a long time. I told him we'd placed Tessa. He had a lot of questions and we had a lot to talk about. A lot of the thoughts that he and his wife had are the same as Julie and I had, which I guess is predictable. I told him I'd send him the link to my 'blog. I hope Lenny and his wife find some value in reading what I wrote about placing Tessa.

***

Hot, hot, hot today. I think the high was 95 or so. They called it dangerously hot. Since I'm an idiot, I took that as a personal challenge (in my defense, I don't think the humidity was as bad as it usually is at 95 degrees around here, so there!). I went for a nice bike ride after work, about 22 miles. I actually felt pretty good, "artsy" pictures below.

Catch you later!

06-06-2011

06-06-2011

I'm feeling OK, the tenderness in my mouth seems to be mostly gone now. Back to normal I guess.

***

The pool guy stopped Saturday. He thinks we'll be OK. We have some work to do to test his theory that there's no leak. He believes the "sand" was not sand at all, but rather decomposed plant matter....but it looks just like sand! Julie's claiming an "I told you so" on this one.

So, potentially that's good news, we'll see what happens. Pool is still cloudy. Work in progress.

***

It was 87 yesterday, I got a good ride in, almost 30 miles.

Bo-ring shot of the Leland, Illinois water tower as viewed from Casey's:



No mojo, no mo': My trip odometer is at about 400 for the year. My mojo is missing in action, however. I am at a total loss to explain this. Please call if you see m'mojo, I will come pick it up immediately, thank you.

***

Tessa is no longer on the meds that were troubling her. She had a good weekend once we stopped giving her the OCD medicine.

We took her back Sunday about noon, the house mothers have orders from the nurse NOT to give her those particular pills. Plan is to meet with the doctor tomorrow and "negotiate" what we're willing to try medication-wise, to ameliorate her OCD. It's a noble cause, hopefully we can get her some relief with minimal side effects. Rendering her a zombie is not an option.

***

With a Friday ride and a Sunday ride, good summer weather, plus getting Tessa back on track, it was a good weekend. I'm pretty beat this morning.

Have a great week!

06-03-2011

06-03-2011

Kind of slept in this morning, didn't get to work until almost 8 (usually I get there around 6).

I guess I'm still dragging a little bit.

Also today I'm noticing my mouth is a little tender from the chemo.

I did about 20 miles on the bike after work. More of our windy weather.

So, I did climb the hill tonight, about 16 miles into my ride. 1 time and it kicked my ass. Last year I kicked it's ass. Easily. And repeatedly.

Very depressing.

I have lots of work to do.

06-02-2011

06-02-2011

Had my chemo today. They ramped the infusion up this time and I was out of the chair before 3:00, as opposed to last time when it was after 4:00.

My nurse was J., the lady who's a cyclist. We caught up on each other's cycling escapades. J. has over 500 miles this year, I have some catching up to do.

I slept quite a bit. Julie brought me lunch. I slept a bit more.

When it was over, I headed home. To sleep. About 6-ish I started to feel a little more energetic. I feel fine now (10:50), taste is a bit funky, as usual.

Tessa's medication was changed and she was having some difficulty so we brought her home tonight. We're working with the agency to get her squared away but until we do she won't be going back. They were trying a new medicine for OCD and either the dosage or the medicine itself did not agree with her.

The good news is that we got regular, same day feedback from people who care about Tessa and it became obvious pretty quickly that we couldn't stay that particular course. So, back to the drawing board on that. The change was done with the best of intentions but it just didn't work out. We're hoping to get it resolved quickly for everyone's sake.

Friday tomorrow already! Looking forward to the weekend.

Take care.

S.

06-01-2011

06-01-2011

Chemo tomorrow, I sure hope this time it goes by faster than last week.

We have so much sunlight now! I got in a nice, pretty long ride tonight, and I didn't even leave home until about 6:00. The next 6 weeks or so is primo "come home from work and hit the road on your bike" time just because it stays light so long.

I was pondering tonight on my ride the difference between this year and last year, bike wise.

I am doing OK this year, but I was doing much better last year. Don't know how to explain it, maybe it's just getting a slower start due to the weather, maybe it's being 12 months older, maybe it's chemo fallout. But whatever it is, I don't have the explosiveness (if a 50+ year old guy can still have such a thing) that I had last year. And I had it even while I was right in the middle of chemo, I felt great.

Hopefully I'll get my mojo back if I just keep riding.

One specific thing I remember is climbing one of my favorite hills last year and just tearing it up, going back over and over just for the challenge.

This year, so far, I have pretty much avoided that hill. Maybe I should just give it a go, could be it's all in my head.

***

I talked to our pool guy tonight and he's thinking our bottom drain may have bought the farm. If that's the case, it might be a quick, easy, and cheap fix. He's coming by Saturday to check it out. Light a candle for us, won't you?

***

Sorry I don't have any pictures tonight to spice up my boring 'blog.

Oh wait, Julie took a cool picture of Austin jumpin' on the trampoline today:



Trampoline jump shots are all the rage around here since they took some cool shots on Memorial Day.

And that was my cheap attempt to spice up my boring 'blog with an action shot of my son.

Thanks for stopping by. Catch you later.