Here's what's been going on with me recently:
06/23/11
I had an appointment with my oncologist. All went well. I lost 4 pounds! I will see the doctor again in 3 months. It was one year ago today that I got the Non Hodgkins Lymphoma diagnosis.
That 12 months went by fast! A lot has changed in my life, that's for sure.
***
06/25/11
Austin went for another tandem ride with me, exact same route as last week. The only thing that was different was that he bitched almost the whole time. Not sure biking is his sport. I think PS3 is really his sport. I'm still working on him.
We went to a baseball game that my great nephew Cade played in for the city championship for his classification. They won which was nice for him and his buddies.
I've decided that I will refer to my great nieces and great nephews as my "greatchildren". They're not grandchildren but they are my great nieces and great nephews, so I'm going with "greatchildren". They call me "gunka" as it is a variation on "uncle", but I guess now they'll have to call me "grunka" as a variation on "great uncle".
God, I'm an idiot!
***
06/26/11
We spent all day Sunday prepping for my upcoming family reunion, which will be at our house. Washing screens and windows, yardwork, blah blah blah.
After all that misery was over, I jumped on my bike and took a nice ride, about 23 miles.
I think I had an epiphany: I do better WITHOUT a speedometer. I felt better, felt like I rode FASTER, and I definitely climbed hills WAY BETTER than I have all year! No lie, I really did climb them like a madman.
Note the lonely speedo socket on the left:
I climbed HEART ATTACK HILL 3x, although 1 of them was from the back side, so I'll only count 2. That was by far my high water mark for the year.
Here's a shot looking down HEART ATTACK HILL:
I think the speedometer was allowing me to concentrate too much on speed or speed variation (like, sheesh, I was just going 20MPH, now the wind's so bad it's got me knocked down to 12MPH, THIS IS KILLING ME!). Given a choice, I think I would just like to see HOW FAR I've gone instead of how fast. I think I psych myself out. The only downside to not having an onboard speedometer is that I have to calculate my mileage later, but that's no biggie.
After my next ride I should be right around 600 miles for the year.
***
In reading back over m'blog, I have to say that it pretty much sucks. The only time that it's potentially interesting is when I'm passionate about something or I'm learning about something, or there's something new and significant going on, e.g. cancer treatment, Tessa moving out, etc. I didn't mean for it to turn into a "then I ate dinner. I watched TV. I think American Idol is GREAT, don't you?... blah blah blah" type of thing, I really didn't.
At some point it kind of turned into a journal or diary. The only reason I started the thing was to record my thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. in dealing with cancer.
Although the cancer treatment is ongoing, obviously there are long, long, long lulls in between. Not sure what to do with this, I'll be honest with you. Still trying to figure it out.
Sometimes I have a story idea or something happens that plays right into the 'blog (e.g., potential get together with long lost friends from previous employer). But sometimes it definitely IS "I rode my bike. We grilled burgers..." kind of thing, which is NOT interesting at all.
The other thing about the 'blog is something I hadn't thought about.
Late winter / early spring I was SO friggin' bored that I found myself scouring the ON DEMAND menu on the TV. I was watching "Shalom TV" which is centered on Jewish culture (nothing against Jewish people, but since I'm NOT Jewish, what was I doing watching that? My motivation was boredom mixed with a little curiosity, to be honest). Anyway, to cut to the chase, there was an author talking about her books, I think her name was Dani Shapiro. She said that she discovered WHAT she thought about something and WHY she thought WHAT she thought about a particular subject by -writing- about it. In the process of putting the words down on paper or on the computer, she works through all the whys and wherefores, etc.
As I watched her, I realized that the same is true for me.
I may not know why I have a certain belief or feeling, but if I sit down and pour all my thoughts into a keyboard, by the time I finish, I have a pretty thorough understanding of my feelings about a particular subject. What might start out in my head as a formless, nebulous kind of thing will have structure, make sense, follow a logical progression, etc., if I sit down and reason through it and put pen to paper or fingers to keys.
I always feel like whoever reads what I write may not agree with what I think, but if they read what I wrote and really think about it, they should at least have an UNDERSTANDING of my perspective.
And if I can get that person to that place, I've accomplished what I set out to do as a writer. The bonus is that for me, many times, I have a better understanding of myself. Does that make any friggin' sense at all?
The other bonus is that pouring the words into the keyboard can be cathartic. An example would be some of the stuff I wrote about Tessa moving out. After I posted those entries, I felt that I'd been able to get at least some of the grief and frustration off my chest. It didn't change the circumstances but it DID provide a cleansing of sorts, and a release of some pent-up frustration. It was also, hopefully, an accurate expression of my sense of failure and provided an explanation of the dark clouds hanging over me.
In some ways I wonder if writing my 'blog might be like having a friend who's a good listener, when you really need a good listener. I'm not sure who IS listening out there (I do get some feedback from time to time and I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!) but at least I feel like I'm broadcasting my thoughts and emotions out into the universe for whomever may be paying attention. And for some reason, even if it defies logic, it's therapeutic.
***
I have a relative to whom I spoke the other day. I'll paraphrase what he said to me: 'My dad was estranged from me and my family when I was growing up. I didn't have a father figure around. Experiences I had with YOUR DAD taught me what it meant to be a stand-up guy. A lot of how I turned out was because of YOUR DAD.'
Wow, did that ever make me think! My dad has been dead for 8 years. The person who told me that whole story is someone I think very highly of. Nice to know that my dad "passed it forward" so to speak, and now the circle goes on.
Sometimes we don't even realize that the little, seemingly insignificant things that go on in everyday life wind up being -lessons- that young, impressionable, and sometimes VERY emotionally NEEDY people (especially children) pick up on.
I WAS THERE when the entire episode in question played out, and it never occurred to me what was happening until I heard those words from that person the other day.
Someone is ALWAYS paying attention, even if it doesn't come to light until 30 years later. And by that time, we may be long gone.
***
Getting back to my 'blog, I realize a lot of it, especially recently, is BORING! Someone commented on the sheer -number- of pictures of myself. Didn't mean to do that, either, but it seemed like at the time they documented what I was talking about and I always think that the pictures add to the story and help the reader get a more accurate idea of what went on. I'll try to have LESS pictures of me (believe me, I HATE pictures of myself, I only put them in there because I thought they were helpful).
And, if I do include a picture of me, I'll try not to include my face, or at least not ALL of it...
Again,
God, I'm an idiot!
And I'll try to make this at least INTERESTING. Promise.
Thanks for coming along with.
Steve
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