Post Diagnosis Pre Oncologist
The morning after I get my diagnosis, my manager, Derek comes into my office and closes the door for a private talk. I get him all caught up on what I know and what I don't know. Derek spends a lot of time with me over the course of that day. He reassures me that I need to concentrate on getting well and that our work team and his family (the owners) will see me through this. He was terrific and I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me.
Later, I speak to Derek's brother, Darren, and their dad, Chuck. They couldn't have been any nicer or more supportive, honestly. I am very lucky to have them on my side. It takes a huge burden off of me.
One night I have a dream. A character in my dream seems familiar, but I can't determine who he is. Finally, I realize it's my father, as a very young man. My dad died in 2003. Does this mean I'll be seeing him again soon or just that my fears are running wild and spilling over into my subconscious? I pretty much don't believe in my ability to see or predict the future, so I'll go with the second option.
For me a lot of the tension was relieved after the lymphoma diagnosis but now it's building again with the upcoming oncologist visit. Will he tell me to get my affairs in order because I only have 6 months to live? Scenarios like that play continuously in my head.
And, it's occurring to me that having cancer is really about moving from one worry to the next. Worry about a lump on your throat. Worry about the surgery. Worry about the biopsy and diagnosis. Worry that your particular brand of cancer may not be treatable. Worry that you'll die. Worry what will happen to your family. And on and on.
It reminds me of a line from a great movie, "Parenthood". Two characters are discussing the never ending challenges of parenting. Jason Robards says "It never ends. It's like your aunt Edna's ass, it goes on forever and it's just as frightening."
Yeah. Like that.
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