primary care visit II pre-op exam

primary care visit II pre-op exam

June 15, 2010 - I go by myself. On this visit the world stops turning for a bit. While examining me, the doctor finds a lump under my left armpit and another one in my left groin. Oops... I've been hearing that it was really GOOD that none had turned up there, now THAT last little bit of hope is gone, too. At this point, there's no need to tell anyone (including the missus) as it won't change anything, anyway.

I had an exam not too far back, maybe 18 or 24 months ago. Nothing was detected at that time, so I can't imagine that I've had this very long.

The Doctor tells me that what I have could be a lot of different things, including dormant tuberculosis. But this visit just has a very black feel to it. The doctor confides in me that he himself has had cancer, and that he survived it. Again, he asks me how I FEEL. Why do they expect me to complain that I feel like horse hockey? I FEEL GREAT, honest to God. Only now, I am not sleeping at all (straight up, I'm not afraid of BEING DEAD, what I'm afraid of is being conscious when I transition between BEING ALIVE and BEING DEAD, I just think it may be a tad bit uncomfortable).

He suggests benadryl up until surgery, at which time if I need something else,
he'll be glad to prescribe it. We buy some but I don't take it. And I don't sleep. I worry about what would become of Julie, Austin, and Tessa. And hope that I'm being overly pessimistic.

Aside here: I know that I won't live forever. Life itself is a big crapshoot. As I told my primary care doctor on this visit, I don't want to see it coming, I don't want it to hurt, and I don't want it to take too long. Perfect ending is to die in my sleep when it's my time. Not everyone is so lucky, but that's what I was hoping for, nonetheless.